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Jump to:  Part 3         

 

What Every Spouse Needs, Pt. 2

[Desperate Households]
 Matthew 7:12

 

This message is for presentation to adults, due to subject matter.

Why learn to understand, appreciate, and fulfill one another’s needs?
· First, because you have an obligation to do so. Your spouse has made a vow to meet these needs only in the marriage relationship. They have nowhere else to (legitimately) go.
· Second, because if you don’t someone else may. (Not that this excuses adultery or makes the innocent party responsible). Any of us is vulnerable to temptation. If you want to protect your mate from temptation, you should meet their needs.

Why do husbands and wives often fail to meet their spouse’s deepest needs?

Selfishness and ignorance--Ignorance is the inability to understand and appreciate the other’s needs.  Selfishness is an unwillingness to meet those needs. One is a heart problem, and the other is a head problem. One can be solved by information, the other only by repentance. But both must be addressed in order for the relationship to improve.

 · Men and women have similar needs, but they rank them differently.

 

Top 5 Needs of Men and Women:  [These are broad generalizations]

Men

Sexual fulfillment
Recreational companionship
An attractive spouse
Domestic support
Admiration

Women

Affection
Conversation
Honesty and openness
Financial support
Family commitment

 

The woman’s greatest need: Affection

To a woman, affection represents security, protection, comfort, and approval.  It is the essential cement of the relationship.

 

The husband’s greatest need: Sexual fulfillment
 
It is God’s will that a man be fully satisfied sexually with his wife.

Philip. 2:4

    Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.
Matthew 7:12

    Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets.

New info:
The woman’s 2^nd greatest need:  Conversation

Unlike the need for sex, conversation is not a need that should be met exclusively in marriage. Our need for conversation can be ethically met by almost anyone. But since it is one of your most important emotional needs, whoever meets it best will be someone you may easily fall in love with. So it's crucial to your marital happiness that your spouse is the one who meets it the best and most often.

 

This need for conversation is not met by simply talking to someone. It is met when the conversation is enjoyable to both.

 

Ill.—Kimberly talks to the kids all day, and needs some ‘adult conversation’ w/ someone more on her level [you should pray for her if I’m to be that one!  Just kidding   J    ].  Some people set their kids in front of a talking stuffed animal or a video, but they too want someone who is thinking and conscious, and who they know genuinely loves them and thus talks to them!

 

Good conversation is characterized by the following:

(1) Using it to inform and investigate each other—this is the basics of survival, but it’s nearly 100% of what most couple do…just to get by!

 

(2) Focusing attention on topics of mutual interest—

My wife wants to hear about the ministry, but sometimes I overdo it, and she has to let me know I’ve ‘overestimated her interest’!  Usually it’s the other way around.

 

(3) Balancing the conversation so both have an equal opportunity to talk—

[Remember, it’s a 2 way street!]   Have you ever not been able to find a pause in which to chime in?  No wonder we interrupt so often.  We shouldn’t be thinking about what we’re going to say next, but there SHOULD be enough pause there to consider and respond.  Some ladies turn into a ‘dump truck’ as soon as the man walks in!

 

(4) Giving each other undivided attention while talking to each other.  

 

We fail to meet this need for conversation when:

(1) Demands are made—

If we start ‘running the show’ and ‘telling it like it is’ / ‘how it’s GONNA be’, it’s an immediate turnoff…we’re not showing teamwork and cooperation, but being a dictator.

(2) Disrespect is shown—

Name calling, insults, cursing, etc., all are major deterrents to conversation.

 

(3) One or both become angry—

Since the Bible says ‘be ye angry and sin not’, it means a couple of things:

·       We will get angry at times, it’s unavoidable.

·       It’s possible to be angry and not to sin.

How is this done?  How do we keep our reaction from being a damaging over reaction?  For many people, the answer is:  don’t react.  Not right now…simmer down, get all the facts, breathe, count to 100, rake the lawn, etc. 

Proverbs says that “a soft answer turneth away wrath.”  So, don’t take the bait, don’t react ‘in kind.’  Do the opposite.  Surprise them by how cool you stay next time!  The devil wants your conversations to snowball on you, but it takes 2 to comply w/ his request.  1 person is incapable of forming a major argument!

 

(4) When it is used to dwell on mistakes of the past or present—

Just as bad as getting hysterical is getting ‘historical.’  Deal w/ the present situation.  Even a present mistake has already happened.  Assigning blame is not important unless we’re trying to burden them down w/ guilt.  We can constructively deal w/ the present situation and prevent it in the future, but only as a team, which means it’s not about blame or fault.  We must together attack the problem, not the person!

 

Unless conversation is mutually enjoyable, a couple is better off not to talk to each other at all. An unpleasant conversation not only fails to meet the emotional need, but it also makes it less likely that there will be an opportunity to meet the need in the future. That's because we tend to prevent our spouse from having the chance to meet our needs if earlier attempts were painful to us.

 

Men and women don't have too much difficulty talking to each other during courtship. That's a time of information-gathering for both partners. Both are highly motivated to discover each other's likes and dislikes, personal background, current interests and plans for the future.  It’s also a time when we’re highly focused on trying to get them to like us!  So, ‘the way you get ‘em is the way you keep em.’ 

 

But after marriage, many women find that the man who would spend hours talking to her on the telephone, now seems to have lost all interest in talking to her, and spends his spare time watching television or reading.  [“He’s already got me, now he’s off to conquer other things”.  How sad!]

 

If your need for conversation was fulfilled during courtship, you also should be able to expect it to be met after marriage. And if you fell in love because your need for conversation was met by your spouse during courtship, you risk losing loving feelings if that need is not met during marriage.

 

Do you have a craving just to talk to someone?  Do you pick up the telephone just because you feel like talking?  If you see conversation as a practical necessity, primarily as a means to an end, you probably don't have much of a need for it. But if you use conversation "just to talk," and enjoy conversation in its own right, and are frustrated when you haven't been able to talk for a while, then consider it to be one of your most important emotional needs.  Some ladies don’t get the conversation they crave, so they substitute someone else…maybe another lady, or a family member…maybe another man!

 

 

The man’s 2^nd greatest need:  Recreational companionship

Before you were married, chances are pretty good that you planned your dates around your favorite recreational activities. That's because it's an important emotional need. And since you wanted your relationship to flourish, you probably chose activities that you both enjoyed.

But you may have made the mistake of doing whatever the one with the greatest need for recreational companionship wanted to do.

 

Most couples make a crucial mistake after marriage -- they go their separate ways. He joins his friends in recreational activities he enjoys most and leaves his wife to find her own recreational companions for activities that interest her. That's a formula for marital disaster. If someone else of the opposite sex joins either of you in your favorite recreational activities, you are at risk to fall in love with that person. Besides, if you are not together when you are enjoying yourselves the most, you are squandering an opportunity to grow closer and more in love.

 

Fortunately, Kimberly and I took the path that led to marital fulfillment. We talked about it and compromised, and exchanged activities that only I enjoyed for new activities that we both enjoyed.  She decided to give my interests a chance, too, and so we remained each other's favorite recreational companions after marriage even though most of our recreational activities changed. And it's a good thing, because recreational companionship is definitely one of my most important emotional needs.

 

Think about it for a moment in terms of a ‘Love Bank’. How much do you enjoy certain activities, and how many ‘love bucks’ would your spouse be depositing whenever you enjoyed them together? What a waste it would be if someone else got credit for all those love bucks. And if it were someone of the opposite sex, it would be downright dangerous.

Who should get credit for all those love units? The one you should love the most, your spouse. That's precisely why I encourage couples to be each other's favorite recreational companions. It's one of the simplest ways to deposit love units.

 

The need for recreational companionship combines two needs into one. First, there is the need to be engaged in recreational activities and second, the need to have a companion.

 

Guess what!  God wants you to recreate…do things w/ His creation.  Guess what else!  He has given you a primary companion.  This is not to say you don’t sometimes do things w/ others, but rather that you do MORE  w/ your help meet than w/ anyone else!

 

A guy wants his ‘woman’ by his side…to show her off, to show he’s complete and not alone.

 

Both partners need to get away sometimes:

 

Divert Daily – Withdraw Weekly – Abandon Annually

 

Summary:

Men spell Romance this way:

Sex and Recreation

Women spell Romance this way:

Affection and Conversation

 

Put all 4 together and it compliments one another very well, and romance thrives!

 

[Based on “His Needs Her Needs” by Willard F. Harley, Jr]

 

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What Every Spouse Needs, Pt. 2

[Desperate Households]
 Matthew 7:12

 

Top 5 Needs of Men and Women: 

    Men                                                     Women

Sexual fulfillment                             Affection
Recreational companionship            Conversation
An attractive spouse                          Honesty and openness
Domestic support                              Financial support
Admiration                                         Family commitment

 

The woman’s 2^nd greatest need:  Conversation

 

This need is met when the conversation is e                        to both.

 

Good conversation is characterized by:

(1) Using it to i                and i                           each other

 

(2) Focusing attention on topics of m               i                       .

 

(3) B                       the conversation

 

(4) Giving each other u                        a                      while talking to each other.  

 

We fail to meet this need when:

(1) D                    are made—

(2) D                      is shown—

(3) One or both become a             —

(4) When it is used to dwell on m                    .

 

The man’s 2^nd greatest need:  Recreational companionship

 

·       A crucial mistake after marriage -- they go their s                  w          .

·       Both partners need to get away sometimes:

 

*D               Daily – W                      Weekly – A                      Annually*

 

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Jump to:  Part 4

What Every Spouse Needs, Pt. 3

[Desperate Households]
Proverbs 5:18-19

 

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

 

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

 

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 – These men have jobs.

 

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. “Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

 

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!” Still she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, helps with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

 

She is tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 – You are visitor number 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

 

Does God care how I get along with my spouse?   Does He care if my emotional needs are met and if I’m meeting my spouse’s needs?  We know that God cares about world events, the lives of powerful and important people. But does he care about my life, even down to the point of caring about my relationships? Yes. Most definitely yes--because He isn’t just a God out there. He is a God who is here with us, and for us.

Tonite we’re going to look at what God has to say about our most significant human relationship. He wants it to be as rewarding and fulfilling and satisfying as it can possibly be.

Proverbs 5:18-19

    Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. [19] Let her … satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.

Top 5 Needs of Men and Women: 

Men

Sexual fulfillment
Recreational companionship
An attractive spouse
Domestic support
Admiration

Women

Affection
Conversation
Honesty and openness
Financial support
Family commitment

 

The woman’s greatest need: Affection

To a woman, affection represents security, protection, comfort, and approval.  It is the essential cement of the relationship.

 

The husband’s greatest need: Sexual fulfillment
 
It is God’s will that a man be fully satisfied sexually with his wife.

 The woman’s 2^nd greatest need:  Conversation

 

The man’s 2^nd greatest need:  Recreational companionship

 

We all care about our needs, and we’ll usually do what it takes to get them met.  But we should focus on our spouse’s needs, or they will have to look elsewhere:
· Sometimes people seek to meet their relational needs is through an affair
· They may seek to meet these needs through the fantasy of pornography or romance novels.

A Woman’s Need - Honesty and Openness
(revealing positive and negative feelings, events of the past, daily

events and schedule, plans for the future; not leaving a false impression; answering questions truthfully and completely).

Col. 3:9

    Lie not one to another, seeing that ye have put off the old man with his deeds…

· The Bible makes no provision for "white lies." Lying is contrary to the nature of God.
· A husband should tell his wife the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

There is also such a thing as a lie of ‘omission.’

· Why do men lie to their wives?
Desire to "protect" them
Desire to avoid conflict
Desire to hide sin
Desire to mask weaknesses

A woman needs openness because she needs to be able to trust. In order to trust, she must have information; the husband must tell her what he is thinking.

Husband: "if you trusted me, you wouldn’t need for me to explain everything."
Wife: "if you don’t have anything to hide, why won’t you tell me what’s going on?"

For the husband, it’s a question of task efficiency. Information is on a need-to-know basis. If the decision is his to make, then it is inefficient to share the reasoning process behind it. Why waste time discussing the details. When his wife demands he explain, he feels indignant, because to him this indicates a lack of trust.

For the wife, “it’s the relationship, stupid.” The task is not the only thing. The process of making the decision is important also, because it is the process that builds intimacy. By withholding information, the husband is withholding an opportunity for intimacy. And lack of intimacy makes women feel insecure and unsafe.

1 Peter 3:7

    Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife…

This implies that you share information with one another. The wife is not the "silent partner."

How do you cultivate honesty and openness?
· Seek out activities which you both enjoy. Find a way to participate in your spouse’s activities.
· Be intentional about scheduling uninterrupted time to spend with one another.

 

A Man’s Need - Physical Attractiveness

(keeping physically fit with diet and exercise, wearing hair and

clothing in a way that you find attractive and tasteful).

For many, physical attractiveness can be very important.  It’s what may have first drawn you to your spouse -- his or her physical appearance.  That’s only natural, but hopefully over time you formed some other bonds than this one, which may in part fade away. 

There’s an important balance to strike here, for we all know than men can be ‘superficial.’  But there is also a kind of beauty that time cannot touch and children cannot crush!  It’s the way you care for yourself.  It’s not that ‘you’re the best in the world’, but that ‘you’re the best you can be.’ 

Magazine models do much damage to the concept of what is attractive with their completely unrealistic images.  If only we could airbrush a brain, some personality, and some self-respecting modesty into their personas they too could be beautiful…but they lack more than they possess.

A man who is obsessed w/ the physical is a monster, and is obviously not focused on meeting the needs of anyone but himself.  But for most Christian men, it’s normal and healthy to simply want his wife to respect herself.

Among the various aspects of physical attractiveness, weight generally gets the most attention. Much of the complaints I hear regarding a spouse's loss of physical attractiveness are about being overweight. And when diet and exercise bring the spouse back to a healthy size, physical attractiveness almost always returns. However, choice of clothing, hair style, makeup [if the barn needs painting!], and personal hygiene also come together to make a person attractive. Since attractiveness is usually in the eyes of the beholder, you are the ultimate judge of what is attractive to you.

I truly believe my wife becomes more attractive each passing year.  She says love is blind as a bat.  I say, “no really, somehow you have found a way to cheat time!”

Ladies say they want their husband to respect them and be honest and open w/ them.  Well, respecting yourself doesn’t hurt the process at all.

Communicate about this and all these other topics.  How to understand what your spouse wants: ask!

Fill out the Emotional Needs Questionnaire, and share your results with each other, openly discussing without taking offense.  And remember, the best way to get your needs met is to focus on meeting your spouse’s!

 

[Based on “His Needs Her Needs” by Willard F. Harley, Jr]

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What Every Spouse Needs, Pt. 3

[Desperate Households]
 Proverbs 5:18-19

 

 

Top 5 Needs of Men and Women: 

 

Men                                                                     Women

                  Fulfillment*                                      A                     *
R                          companionship*                    C                     *
An attractive spouse                                          Honesty and openness
D                     support                                      F                       support
A               tion                                                  F                 commitment

 

 

A Woman’s Need - Honesty and Openness

 

Why do men lie to their wives?

-Desire to "p                " them.
-Desire to avoid c                 .
-Desire to hide s         .
-Desire to mask w                     .

 

A Man’s Need - Physical Attractiveness

 

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What Every Spouse Needs, Pt. 4

[Desperate Households]
 Ephesians 5:33

 

Tonite we finish the last 2 items on both of our lists:

 

Top 5 Needs of Men and Women: 

Men

Sexual fulfillment
Recreational companionship
An attractive spouse
Domestic support
Admiration

Women

Affection
Conversation
Honesty and openness
Financial support
Family commitment

 

Financial Support

People often marry for the financial security that their spouse provides them. In other words, part of the reason they marry is for money.

But there are others who marry before financial security becomes much of a consideration for them. They do not marry for money because their new spouse has none. And yet, as years go by, when they find their spouse unemployed, or underemployed, or squandering what money they have, they become very frustrated and unhappy. Their need for financial support seems to develop after they are married for a while, especially after children arrive.

It may be difficult for you to know how much you need financial support, especially if you were recently married or if your spouse has always been gainfully employed. But what if, before marriage, your spouse had told you not to expect any income from him or her. Would it have affected your decision to marry? Or, what if your spouse could not find work, and you had to financially support him or her throughout life?

What constitutes financial support? Earning enough to buy everything you could possibly desire, or earning enough to get by? Different couples would answer this differently, and the same couples might answer differently in different stages of life. That's why this need can be difficult to meet -- it can change over time.

Like many of these emotional needs, financial support is sometimes hard to talk about. As a result, many couples have hidden expectations, assumptions and resentments. How much money does your spouse have to earn before you feel frustrated about his or her paycheck? Your analysis will help you determine if you have a need for financial support, and if so, whether or not this need is being met.

 

Domestic Support

The need for domestic support is a time bomb. At first it seems irrelevant, a throwback to more primitive times. But for many couples, the need explodes after a few years of marriage, surprising both spouses.

Domestic support involves the creation of a peaceful and well-managed home environment. It includes cooking meals, washing dishes, washing and ironing clothes, house cleaning and child care. If you have the need for domestic support, when your spouse does some of these things, you feel very fulfilled, and when it is not done you feel very annoyed.

In earlier generations, it was assumed that all husbands had this need and all wives would naturally meet it. Times have changed, and needs have changed along with them. Nowadays the roles are often reversed, and sometimes shared. But on average, men still express this need more often than women.

Marriage usually begins with a willingness of both spouses to share domestic responsibilities. Newlyweds commonly wash dishes together, make the bed together, and divide many household tasks. The groom welcomes the help he gets from his wife, helping him do what he's been doing alone as a bachelor. At this point in marriage, neither of them would identify domestic support as an important emotional need. But the time bomb is ticking.

When does the need for domestic support explode? When the children arrive! Children create huge needs -- both a greater need for income and greater domestic responsibilities. The previous division of labor is now obsolete. Both spouses must take on new responsibilities -- and which ones will they take?

At this point in your marriage, especially if you do not have children, you may find no need for domestic support at all. But if you find yourself very appreciative of your spouse's cooking, cleaning, washing and childcare, and are very frustrated when they are not forthcoming, make sure that domestic support is on your list of important emotional needs.

 

Family Commitment

In addition to a greater need for income and domestic responsibilities, the arrival of children may create in you the need for your spouse to become active in the moral and educational development of the children. We call this need family commitment. As is true for the need for financial and domestic support, if you do not have any children just yet, you may not sense this need. But upon their arrival, a change may take place that you didn't anticipate.

Evidence of this need is a craving for your spouse's involvement in the training of your children. When he or she is helping to care for them, you feel very fulfilled, and when they are neglected you feel very frustrated.

This is not just child care -- feeding, clothing or watching over children to keep them safe. Child care falls under the category of domestic support. Family commitment, on the other hand, is taking a responsibility for how the children will turn out, teaching them the values of cooperation and care for each other. It is spending quality and quantity time with your children to help insure happiness and success for them as adults.  A dad can help a little girl feel the love of a man she needs, so she doesn’t have to seek it elsewhere.  A dad can help a little boy become secure in his identity as a man, and grow in that direction rather than in another.  Motivated yet, guys?  Don’t think it’s wrong to love your little girls or boys.  It’s true, we always hear about the guys who do that inappropriately…but it’s also inappropriate to NOT do it at all!

The need for family commitment is not met by just any form of training. It is only met when the training is enthusiastically approved by you. It can all be ruined if your spouse uses training methods and objectives that violate your standards. Your participation and agreement regarding training methods and objectives are essential before this need can be met.  And you should always appear as a team before the children, and discuss disagreements about such training when they cannot hear it, even thru the air vents!

We all want our children to be successful, but if you have the need for family commitment, your spouse's participation will trigger your feeling of love for him or her. And your spouse's neglect of your children will threaten that love.  

In addition, women need to know their man will be home, and approx. when, and some men have that same need.

 

Admiration

A man will do virtually anything to gain the admiration of a woman. To put it another way, a woman who wishes to manipulate a man need only show him admiration, and he will do anything she wants.

 

If you have the need for admiration, you may have fallen in love with your spouse partly because of their complements to you. Some people just love to be told that they are appreciated. Your spouse may also have been careful not to criticize you because criticism may hurt you deeply if you have this need.

Many of us have a deep desire to be respected, valued and appreciated by our spouse. We need to be affirmed clearly and often. There's nothing wrong with feeling that way. Even God wants us to appreciate Him.

Admiration is one of the easiest needs to meet. Just a word of appreciation, and presto, you've just made somebody's day. On the other hand, it's also easy to be critical. A trivial word of rebuke can set some people on their heels, ruining their day.

I said this in a previous message on communication, but it’s worth repeating:

Ladies:  in case you haven’t noticed, men have big egos! 

 

Men thrive on their woman’s admiration.  Women need attention, men need admiration.  Women need love, men need respect.  Women want leadership, and men want a following!

 

How do you show your man admiration?  By the way you treat him.  We’re not talking about bowing down and kissing his feet…that will go to his head and he won’t be a very “fungi” to be with!

 

But many women make their man feel inferior, and put him in a conveniently low place where she likes to keep him.  A critical spirit makes him feel like he can’t do anything right…his courage and confidence wane as she makes him feel like a little boy.  Some ladies think this will be motivational, and then are shocked when he finds someone else who makes him feel like a man / important.

 

Your husband needs your praise and admiration.  He needs to know that when there’s no one else in the world rooting for him…that you are!

 

Ill.—guys playing ball go to an all new level when the girls walk by!

 

Unless they were raised by a father who really praised and reinforced them…most men have a very fragile self image.  You’ll accomplish much more change in your man by praise than by criticism / nagging.

 

It’s amazing how often you hear of a guy having an affair w/ someone who is far less attractive than their wife.  Why is this?  I mean, he falls for someone who doesn’t compare…she could make a butterfly run back into it’s cocoon!  Why?  The lady is left scratching her head saying, “what does she have that I don’t?”

 

You want to dramatically reduce the likelihood of your husband ever having an affair?  Here’s a Bible perspective for you:

 

“Strange woman” in Proverbs doesn’t mean “weird.”  It’s “the temptress.”

Proverbs 2:16

    To deliver thee from the strange woman, even from the stranger which flattereth with her words;

 

She tempts not w/ her body, but w/ her words.  She tells him how funny he is, how strong, how smart…and he turns to butter…he’s tied around her little finger.

Proverbs 5:3-5

    For the lips of a strange woman drop as an honeycomb, and her mouth is smoother than oil: [4] But her end is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a twoedged sword. [5] Her feet go down to death; her steps take hold on hell.

Proverbs 7:21

    With her much fair speech she caused him to yield, with the flattering of her lips she forced him.

Proverbs 7:4

    Say unto wisdom, Thou art my sister; and call understanding thy kinswoman:

        Why do we need wisdom?  To keep us from the strange woman!

 

Ladies:  want to keep him at home and keep the fire burning?  Build him up…you’re his help meet!  Let him know he’s your hero.  Every man wants to be somebody’s hero…he might as well be yours instead of someone else’s!

 

New info:

A man who is suffering from a deficit in this area is extremely susceptible to temptation if he encounters a woman who builds him up and openly admires him.

 

That’s one good reason for a wife to admire and respect her husband. Here’s an even better one: it’s God’s will that you do so.

 

 

Ephes. 5:33

    Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

 

What does it mean for a wife to reverence her husband? 

(respect, honor, admire)

 

She should respect him with her words.  [The same is true of how he treats her.]

 

- She should refrain from contemptuous speech, speech that tears down and destroys. This does not rule out all criticism or rebuke.

 

"You fat pig," vs. "I’m concerned about your health"

"You good-for-nothing couch potato" vs. "I need some help around the house"

"You really made a fool of yourself tonight" vs. "I was embarrassed tonight at the dinner party when you used the tablecloth to wipe your nose"

"You worthless drunk" vs. "You’ve got a drinking problem and you need help."

 

[2 Samuel 6:12-16, 20-23] Michael "despised [David] in her heart" (v. 16) and spoke contemptuously to him. As a result, she was barren.

 

- She should engage in respectful speech, speech that builds up. This means observing and commenting on her husband’s positive attributes or accomplishments.

 

"You take such good care of the house. I’m lucky to have such a handyman for a husband."

"I’m really admire the way you spend quality time with the children. You’re a great dad."

"I’m proud of the way you’ve worked hard to build your business."

 

It’s really a bit pathetic how eager men are to hear these things, and how powerful a few words can be, for both good and ill. Positive encouragement can inspire a man to do great things, and contempt can emotionally devastate him. And the impact of a wife’s speech, either respectful or disrespectful, is magnified if it occurs in public.

 

Second, she should honor him with her behavior.

 

· She should respect him by acting in a way that reflects well on him.

Proverbs 31:23

    Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.

 

A wife who conducts herself honorably shows respect to her husband, and gains him the respect of others. They say, "what kind of a man must he be to have this kind of woman for a wife!"

 

Time out!...How can a woman show honor and respect to a man whom she does not respect?   (especially one who is not a Christian)

 

· First, ask God to show you things about your husband that you can respect. Few people are completely without redeeming qualities. Sometimes, an inability to see anything praiseworthy in another person can be a symptom of bitterness, resentment, or an unwillingness to forgive. You may need to repent of that.

· Second, even if you can’t respect your husband’s person, show respect to your husband’s position as head of the household, just as we are to show respect to the governing authorities:

Romans 13:1-2

    Let every soul be subject unto the higher powers. For there is no power but of God: the powers that be are ordained of God. [2] Whosoever therefore resisteth the power, resisteth the ordinance of God: and they that resist shall receive to themselves damnation.

 

If you can honor your husband for his personal qualities, then do so. If not, then show respect for him in his role as your husband.

1 Peter 3:1-2

    Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; [2] While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.

1 Peter 3:5-6

    For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: [6] Even as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.

 

Abraham had some significant character problems; nevertheless, Sarah showed respect for him. For example:

· When traveling, he told people that his wife Sarah was his sister, because he was afraid that if they knew the truth, they would kill him and take her. This happened twice. As a result, Sarah was taken as a wife by the rulers of those countries, but later released.

· God promised Abraham that he would give him children. However, when his wife was unable to conceive, he took her maid Hagar instead and had children through her.

 

Ultimately, showing respect is an act of grace that is only possible by the power of God. It must be given in spite of the husband’s imperfections and failings, not because of his innate worthiness.

 

When does a husband need his wife’s respect the most?

1. When he deserves it the least.

2. When he is receiving it from no one else.

But these are the times when it is most tempting for a wife to withhold her respect. And so her ability to respect the husband depends on the power of God.

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What Every Spouse Needs, Pt. 4

[Desperate Households]
 Ephesians 5:33

 

 

Top 5 Needs of Men and Women: 

Men                                                                     Women

                  Fulfillment*                                      A                     *
R                          companionship*           C                     *
An a                   spouse*                                     H                  and o                    *

Financial Support

·       The need for financial support seems to develop after married for a while, especially after c                     .

Domestic Support

·       This need is a t        b        .

·       Domestic support involves a p               and well-m                   home environment.

Family Commitment

·       To become active in the m           and e                         development of the children.

Admiration

·       Admiration is one of the e                needs to meet.

·       Unless they were raised by a father who really praised and reinforced them…most men have a very f                 self image. 

·       A man who is suffering from a deficit in this area is extremely susceptible

to t                         .

 

When does a husband need his wife’s respect the most?

1. When he d              it the l          .

2. When he is receiving it from n   o      e        .

 

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Fill out the “Emotional Needs Questionnaire” separately and compare.

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