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Building a Family Fortress:
5
Things Strong Families Have in Common
Josh. 24:15
A strong family must be a
fortress, and not just a façade.
Here’s some
things strong families
have in common:
1.
Strong sense of
Commitment
Seems obvious, right?
But over the last 2 decades, I’ve counseled w/ dozens of
couples…pre-marital and marital counseling, and it’s proven to me that
people today don’t understand commitment.
What a relaxed attitude people enter into the holiest of unions w/ in
these days of the disposable marriage.
“If it works, fine, if it doesn’t, fine…but I’m sure it will…I mean,
I love them!” Well, love is
blind, and marriage is an eye opener!
We take our vows so
lightly. Then problems come and
we say, "I didn't sign up for this!"
Oh yes you did, you said "For better or for worse" and now it's
worse, so you were specific about this point, that you will be committed!
Is it love that sustains
our commitment or commitment that sustains our love?
It's the latter. You
don't fall out of love, you jump out!
And so I say, "Honey, if you ever leave me, I'm going with you!"
Commitment is
“the assurance that this
family will stay together, value each other, for a lifetime,
no matter what.” Whatever
problems we face, we face them together.
Strong marriages take the following words, and carve them in granite:
"I’m committed to you, no matter what."
And they take the word “divorce” out of their vocabulary.
Parents, there’s 2 ways you
can convey the sense of commitment to a child:
[only once we learn it!]
1.
By conveying to them that they are a
blessing, not a burden.
This generation of children has been labeled, the unwanted
generation. TV today sends the
message that children are an unwanted expense, an interference in careers,
or an untimely accident. There are no mistakes, accidents, or surprises w/
God. [The abortionist claims
there’s a clear difference between an unborn child and one that’s been
born…try explaining that to a child who is looking for relevance!]
Suicide note from teenage
girl: "Dear mom, I’m sorry I was
ever born. It seems to me that
I’ve ruined your happiness. I’ve
chosen this way out so that you can be happy again."
(chances are, this girl was
genuinely loved and wanted, but somehow they failed to communicate it to
her!)
2.
By letting them know they are loved
unconditionally.
We live in an achievement oriented society--where significance equals
performance, and importance equals ability, and where self-worth equals
achievement. Sorry to say, that
mindset has crept into many homes.
Parents, do your kids know
that there’s nothing they can do to be more loved, because they’re already
loved w/ a measureless love?/nothing they can do to be more accepted,
because they’re already totally accepted?/nothing they can do to be more
valued, because they’re already infinitely valued?
Nothing will alienate a
child more than making them work for something that should be given
freely…love, acceptance, and self-worth.
If you raise a child on
conditional love, to some degree, always feeling like they have to do
something to make you proud of them, you will almost always wind up w/ 1 of
2 results when they’re grown:
1.
Workaholic who
never feels adequate, but quite self-conscious.
2.
A quitter, who
just gives up all-together. “I
can’t please dad/mom, so I’ve decided not to even try.”
“But, aren’t I supposed to
motivate my child?” Yes.
“Aren’t I supposed to
encourage them on to excellence?”
Yes.
“Don’t I want them to reach
their full potential?” Yes.
The key is: What are you
using to motivate them?
Never motivate on the basis
of love and acceptance/treatment…they must be given freely.
Never motivate on how they
compare to others… “Johnny can do it, why can’t you?…try harder!”
Motivate on the basis of
what THEIR best is.
Did you know you can be
proud of your child, even if you’re displeased w/ them?
You can show them love and acceptance, even when you’re disgusted w/
their attitude…even if they embarrass you out in public!
I’m convinced that some
people who claim to be motivating their child for the child’s sake are
actually doing it for their own sake… “So I’m not embarrassed, so I
can be proud of you, so no one thinks less of you because they would then
think less of me!”
Parents like that were no doubt raised that way themselves.
Hey, it’s time to break the cycle!
Ask yourself now:
Do my children know they are a blessing, not a burden?/Do they know
they’re loved unconditionally, and there’s nothing they can do to make me
love them more?
That’s commitment.
It’s the first thing strong families have in common.
Couples: commitment to
each other is just the same!...
2.
Communion
This is not a picture of
family time! [slide: around tv]
This is a picture of “family
time.” [slide: around table]
In a survey, 1,500 children
were asked, What makes families happy?
Over 90% gave the same
answer. It wasn’t a big house,
new video games, or lots of money…it was “doing things together”.
Are we talking quality time
or quantity time? Both!
One of the biggest false
bills of goods we’re being sold these days is that it doesn’t matter how
much time you spend, just make it quality time!
Yes, it does matter. Time
together is how you get to know each other, really know each other in a deep
way, where you can eventually see right into their heart just by looking
into their eyes, and where you can tell when they’re lying right away!
Is your child shy or
confident?/leader or follower?/interests?/what do they want to be
someday?/who is their best friend, and
why are they their best friend?
Some of you draw a blank at
some of those questions, and the reason is how busy we are these days…we’re
not spending enough time together.
Children spell love TIME /
Men, you can say “I love you”, or you can demonstrate/prove your love by
spending time w/ your wife and kids.
Couples, God makes 2 into
1, so we need to be 1 together much more than we currently are.
Marriage is like 2 horses pulling a wagon…they need to be together,
stay together, and have 1 mind, going in the same direction in order to
accomplish anything.
Time w/ family says to
them, You are a priority, I love you!
There’s no substitute for
time spent together. You can’t
neglect them for months, and then make up for it by taking them to
Shoot baskets/rake
leaves/read a book/take them along on that errand to Wal-Mart!
(they’ll just slow me down)
Yes! And that’s what we
need, to slow down, and experience life together!
That’s communion.
(commitment)
3.
Communication
This applies to the
marriage relationship as well as parent/child.
By the way, what are you
majoring in? [nodding
confidently] “Communications”
And unfortunately, he learned his communication skills at home, where his
mom asked his dad lots of questions like that, w/ the same kind of monotone,
one-word replies.
Strong families are held
together by good communication.
Communication is discussing the burdens of your heart…opening the windows of
your soul at times, sharing your feelings…and all with respect and love.
ill.--A lady who went to
her pastor because she wanted a divorce from her husband.
He asked her, “do you have
any grounds?”…yeah, 3 acres outside of town, you’ve been there!
“no, I mean, do you have a
grudge?”…no, we have a carport!
“no, like, does your
husband beat you up?”…no, I get up at 6, an hour before him!
“oh my, I’m saying, do you
have a case?”…no, we’ve got a John Deere!
“ma’am, I’m trying to ask,
are you and your husband having an troubles?”…oh yes, lots of troubles…
“like what?”…He just can’t communicate!
Communication is a 2 way street…being a good listener is important as
well!
7
“B’s” of good listening:
1.
Be
observant.
You listen w/ your eyes as much as your ears…look at them, show
you’re listening.
Albert Moravin of UCLA is a
noted researcher in communication.
He said that only 7% of our true feelings are conveyed by the actual
words we speak/38% by WAY we say those words/whopping 55% is conveyed thru
body language…non-verbal communication:
Facial expression/eye
contact/posture/tone of voice.
I’ve just given in and
decided it’s impossible to listen to my wife if the tv is on…I’ve honestly
tried to do both, and it can’t be done. Thank the Lord for DVR!
(left preaching and gone to
meddlin’)…same w/ newspaper.
Be observant.
2.
Be
available.
Communication is like fishing…it doesn’t do much good to go when it’s
convenient, to catch fish, you have to go when they’re biting.
This is especially true w/
teens, I’m told…when teens really want to talk, which I’m told is quite
rare, you’d better be available.
It might be at midnight when they get in from that youth activity, but you’d
better do it then…they won’t resemble the same person in the morning!
It might be during your favorite TV program…better turn it off and
listen. Be available.
3.
Be
considerate.
It’s amazing how considerate we are to others out in public, but how
rude we can be to our own family members.
If we interrupted at work like we do at home, we’d be sent home
permanently!/walk away from them while talking/ignore.
We can’t take each other for granted.
A husband was told by the
marriage counselor to try and be nice to his wife. One day he comes home
from work. He’s dressed up in a suit, he has cologne on, he has a bouquet of
flowers and a box of candy in his hands. He’s trying to make a good
impression. The wife says, "Oh, I can’t believe it! Little Johnny has been
throwing up; the dishwasher just broke; your parents are coming to visit
this weekend and now to top it all off, you come home drunk!"
4.
Be
demonstrative.
We’re talking physical…hugs, kisses, pats, massages, etc.
Use them often. Gary
Smalley says women need non-sexual touch…little things like a massage, head
rub, foot rub, or just a hug or a pat, not always just going straight to
groping like a piece of meat. He
says women need 8 of these touches per day. (some of you guys will wake up
tomorrow and go 12345678…) It
doesn’t work that way.
5.
Be
wise.
Let's remember some basic words of wisdom:
·
Make sure you
only marry a Christian. If you
marry a child of the devil you get Satan for a daddy in law!
·
Let's practice
Biblical headship in the home.
Anything without a head is dead, and anything w/ 2 heads is a monster!
·
No man has
ever been shot while doing the dishes!
·
Learn to
attack the problem, not the person.
·
Ladies:
nagging is not communicating!
(not one man said Amen, bunch of cowards!
Don’t leave me hangin’ here!)
·
Bringing up
past offenses is not wise!
(joke—guy says, every time my wife and I fight she gets historical.
“you mean hysterical?”
No, historical…she brings back everything I’ve ever done since we got
married.) What some people call
burying the hatchet is just digging up more dirt!
·
And before I
get into too much trouble…Men, sarcasm will get you nowhere! (and my wife
says, Amen!)
6.
Be an
example.
Parents, it’s a cold hard fact…I hope you’re not 90 before you
realize that we don’t get what we want, we get what we ARE!
Percentage of American teens who say they
want to be like their parents: 39%.
Children who see physical violence between
their parents are six times more likely to abuse their own spouses after
they marry. If those children were also hit by their parents as teenagers,
they are 12 times more likely to abuse their spouses.
7.
Be
courageous.
The main reason we don’t communicate is fear…we’re simply afraid of
what we might hear! We're
afraid of not getting our way.
We’re afraid to make ourselves vulnerable, so instead, we just blurt out how
it’s gonna be, like it or lump it!
Marriage counselors say
over half of all divorces are the result of poor communication, and that if
they could have just learned to talk, they could have saved their marriage.
So, strong families have a
strong sense of commitment.
They have communion…spending
time together. They have good
communication, and express
themselves well.
4.
Strong families have good
Coping
skills.
The young husband felt he
was henpecked and so he went to a psychiatrist about the problem. The doctor
told him, "You don’t have to let your wife bully you! Go home and show her
you’re the boss! The young man got home, slammed the door, shook his fist in
his wife’s face, and growled,
"From now on, you’re taking
orders from ME! When I get home from work, I want my supper ON the table.
I want my clothes laid out.
I will be going out with the
boys.
You will be staying home.
And another thing. Do you know
who’s going to tie my tie?
She replied, “Yeah, The undertaker!”
Plan your strategy: don’t
rely on the advice of the world to bring peace into your home.
Those who develop good
coping skills have the rare ability to solve problems together, and always
see the big picture. Don’t ever
think that the families that break up had problems, and that the families
who stay together don’t.
Divorces and
dysfunctional families have very little to do with problems.
All families have problems.
Break-ups have to
do with poor problem solving.
I bet there’s people here
now who’ve been married 30 years or more, and they’ve had problems far worse
than a lot of people who’ve divorced.
The difference is in coping skills…working thru the problems.
Every family has problems.
If divorces were caused by problems, we’d all be divorced.
Besides, love is grand, and divorce is 20 grand!
My family has problems,
your family/Christian families/Adam and Eve had problems…
--Adam and kids walked by
garden…kids say, what’s that, dad?
“That’s where your mother ate us out of house and home!"
Not all families respond to problems in
the same way.
The Chinese language does not have letters, it has symbols.
And the same symbol which means crisis can also mean opportunity,
depending upon the context. And,
you know, one family can have a problem and see it as a crisis, and another
family can have exactly the same problem, and see it as an opportunity.
Someone said, God’s best
presents He gives to His children are wrapped in problems.
The bigger the problem, the bigger the present…if you’re willing to
unwrap it!
How we respond to our problems will make
or break us!
We’ve got to learn to attack our problems together, instead of
attacking each other.
So, strong families have commitment,
communion, communication, coping skills, and…
5.
Strong families have a strong sense of
Consecration.
There’s no way to have a truly successful family w/out giving God
first place. And we have to
convey it to our children. Kids
watch carefully what we’re like at church, and at home.
A study once disclosed that
if both Mom and Dad attend church regularly, 72% of their children remain
faithful. If only Dad, 55% remain faithful. If only Mom, 15%. If neither
attended regularly, only 6% remain faithful. The statistics speak for
themselves--the example of parents and adults is more important than all the
efforts of the church and Sunday School.
And that’s just the outward
spirituality. If you want your
success rate to explode, then make sure it’s the real thing when no one is
looking. Make sure your spouse
sees the same person in the car when you leave church as you were minutes
ago in the pew. Character is
what you do when no one is looking…but you cannot hide anything from your
family…make sure your spouse/children see the real thing consistently, and
not just a “put on” show for others.
Ill.—wife:
“I wish you cared as much for me as you do your dog…you talk sweet to
him, pet him, and care for his needs.”
In the same way, many of us want our friends, fellow church members,
etc., to think of us in a certain way…but we need to realize our family
knows who we are and if we’re just a phony.
It’s a fortress we want, not a façade!
And our God deserves our consecration
in private
just as well as in
public!
Let’s remember these 5 C’s
that will help us build a family fortress that will stand up to the winds of
this life:
Commitment, no matter what
Communion—time together
Communication—God makes 2
into 1 so let’s get on the same wavelength and really share
Coping—attack the problem,
not the person
Consecration—be the genuine
article!
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