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Part 1 Part 2
Part 3
What Parents Owe Their Children
Ephesians 6:4
Devotion. Direction.
Discipline.
1.
Devotion.
Somehow we have
communicated to our children that they are a burden rather than a
blessing. We can't wait for
school to start, and dread summer vacation.
They are a nuisance, annoying, expensive pains in the neck.
The Bible says that
children are the heritage of the Lord, whether planned or not, whether
normal or special needs, colic or not, pickin' guitars and drivin' old
trucks, or doctors and lawyers and such!
The greatest blessing
that can come into a home is a child.
And how about grandchildren?
Should you have had them first or what!
With the privilege
comes great responsibility.
Being a parent should heighten our sensitivity to how important it is
that we be all we can be for them.
ill.--The Bible says
Enoch walked with God after his son Methuselah was born.
Connection?
Stats show that many
kids leave church from the ages of 18-22, and many come back after the
birth of their first child.
Parents have
everything to do w/ bringing their child into this world, and will have
much to do w/ where they go when they leave this world.
We want to raise them
to know the Lord from an early age and to live for Him their entire
life. They have a free will,
but we want to affect their 'wanter', their will, and tip the scales in
their favor.
King David refused to
discipline his son, Adonijah.
[1 Kings 1 says he never told him no]
He grew to be a man and decided to take his father's throne.
It didn't go well, and he died a tragic, early death.
The same was true for his brother Absalom, who was pampered and
spoiled, and suffered a similar fate.
How about Eli the
priest, who restrained not his sons who were wild.
They led him to disgrace and Israel to defeat.
D.L. Moody was a great
preacher, indeed, but his son grew up to be a leading liberal theologian
who trounced upon the faith of his father.
Billy Sunday told his
wife, "Maude, we won the world and lost our boys."
The highway of history is littered with lost children of
Christian parents.
Many of our people did
it all well with their kids, but their free moral agency took them down
wrong roads. We can only
pray, hope and trust that when they are older they will come around.
Though it's no
guarantee to work, and though we cannot make them do right, the Bible
urges us to give devotion, direction, and discipline to our kids.
v. 4 'bring them up' = is a tender word connoting the warm nest of a
mother bird. And yet it is
dad who is directly addressed here.
Guys need help in this area!
And every child has
the God given right to unconditional love, no matter how they look, act,
or are gifted. 100% of
parents would say they love their kids unconditionally.
Now, what if we surveyed the kids?
Since kids spell love
TIME, and not MONEY or THINGS, we are in big trouble in today's culture.
They want our attention and that has been given away to a
thousand other things.
I can't remember most
of the 'things' I received as gifts as a kid, but I sure remember what
was spent on me...it was time!
I remember birthdays...not the presents, but the effort put into
making the food I loved, including the ice cream log rolls and 3 day
chili. I thought, "She's
doing that for me!" It made
me feel so special. I'll
never forget. I remember the
ball games they came to, and the ones they missed!
I remember my concerts, solos in church, first sermons, etc.
What are your stories?
My kids don't want
things as much as they want ME.
So, I have a choice to make:
My kids, or my TV, or my hobby.
There's not enough of me for everything so something has to go.
ill.--Bobby and Mary's
dad was always working, and always absent at the dinner table.
The two of them would fight over who got to sit in dad's chair at
the table. One night Bobby
got there first, and this time he said, "I'll not only sit here, but
tonight, I'll be the dad."
Mary said, "You're not dad.
If you think you're so smart, then what's 7 times 7?"
Bobby said w/out even looking up, "Ask your mother!"
Devotion means
accessibility. It also means
encouragement.
A child 'becomes' his
praise or criticism. Tell
him he's a failure and he'll prove you right.
Tell her she's stupid and she'll provide more evidence of the
same. Psychologists say that
in the mind of a child for every word of criticism there needs to be 7
statements of praise to balance that out.
2.
Direction.
'bring them up' =
devotion
'nurture and
admonition' = discipline [next time]
'of the Lord' =
direction
Youth today don't have
a good hold on their purpose in life.
What is their destiny?
What were they born to do?
Surely it's not just to work, pay bills, and die.
As parents, we need to
redefine the word 'success' for our children.
Woodrow Wilson - "I
would rather fail in a cause that will someday triumph than to triumph
in a cause that will someday fail."
The pursuit of wealth is a
cause that will surely fail. [fame / pleasure]
But the cause which will triumph for all eternity is the cause of
Christ! It's ok to have
money, as long as the money doesn't have you.
But how many Christians have Christ, but Christ doesn't really
fully have them?
ill.--Missionary
Doctors. What a group.
They could make big money with their trade, but they don't.
They selflessly live for something of a nobler purpose than the
big house in the gated community.
I heard a survey that was
astonishing. They asked
these doctors who influenced them to be so giving.
I thought for sure it would be their pastors or other
missionaries. The #1 answer
was 'parents'. Pastors was
#6! Now listen, your youth
pastor and I will do all we can for your kids and grandkids, but we
can't compete with what YOU can do for them!
We must help our kids
set their sails for life in the right direction, under the winds of
God's power.
How sad that it's when
they graduate and are making the biggest decisions of their lives that
we lose our influence over them.
Zig Ziglar - "I like
the things money can buy, but I love the things money can't buy!"
George could have been
a successful musician and made lots of money, but he chose to use his
talent for God in the ministry, because of a poem his mother taught him.
He later put it to music, and sang it with Billy Graham on
crusades all over the world.
George Beverly Shea sang, "I'd Rather Have Jesus..." [sing]
The only way I know to
convince my kids to love Jesus is to love Him myself.
Next time,
'discipline'. And what is
the first part of the verse about:
'provoke not your children to wrath'?
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What Parents Owe Their Children, pt. 2
Ephesians 6:4
1. Devotion.
2. Direction.
It feels a bit in vain to
teach on parenting, when I've not yet mastered it.
Before having kids, it was all so clear to me.
I had 3 theories on how to succeed at it.
Now I have 3 kids, and no theories.
But God's Word has some answers for us...
3. Discipline.
'Nurture' means learning
thru discipline. In Heb. 12, the
very same Greek word is translated as 'chastening'.
This whole section has
been about walking in harmony:
husbands, wives, children, parents ... and harmony is an impossibility if
there is no discipline. A
child's obedience is a must, and must be immediate, and complete.
ill.--Wal-Mart fits
Discipline is love.
To not discipline is self-love.
A child who doesn't respect and obey his parents will have trouble
with all authority--teachers, law enforcement, employers, and most of all,
God Almighty. How a child feels
about their parents is how they will come to feel about God.
We are all born with the
sin nature.
Ephesians 2:3
... and were by nature the
children of wrath, even as others.
Human children are born
into this world untrained, self centered, selfish, with no self control.
Everything wrong comes by nature, and everything right must be taught
and nurtured and disciplined.
None of us stumble upon righteousness, but we find evil by just following
the course of nature.
Don't believe it?
You've just earned a 30 day spot in the church nursery, and you'll
come out quoting Eph. 2:3!
They're cute and sweet, right?
But the first word they learn is 'mine.'
They lie [cry] when nothing is wrong.
Psalm 51:5
Behold, I was shapen in iniquity;
and in sin did my mother conceive me.
Learning to obey is a step
toward a little one getting saved.
[not by works!] But they
need to learn right and wrong, and what sin is, why we need to be saved from
it, and how to submit to the authority who can save us!
1.
The Motive for Discipline.
It's not just to
manipulate behavior to make our lives easier as parents.
It's far deeper than that.
We are shaping and molding a heart for life.
There's a place in their heart that we need to reach.
There's a wickedness we need to drive away.
Proverbs 22:15
Foolishness is bound in
the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far
from him.
"Foolishness" =
deceptiveness, trickery, or deceit.
It's a variant of the word 'folly', which means emptiness,
thick-headedness, senselessness, and disobedience.
The Bible never refers to
a child as a fool, but says that they contain foolishness which we must get
out before it overtakes them, making them a fool.
And so, a good definition of a fool is an adult whose parents never
removed the foolishness from them!
We're not just
manipulating behavior, but affecting the heart.
Here is the problem with
worldly child psychology: They
start with a false premise, and so they are certain to wind up wrong in
their plans of action. They
begin with the belief that children are born basically, inherantly good, or
at worst, neutral, and are morally good.
They teach that discipline is simply providing a safe environment, so
the child can grow naturally into who they were born to be, without us as
parents messing it up. Could
anything be further from Biblical truth?
And so, a child having a
Wal-Mart fit is simply growing normally, and naturally, and it is healthy
for him to express himself! "So,
don't suppress it through discipline, or you'll cause that to be bottled up
inside of him for life, and he'll kill you in your sleep!"
No, it's the child who
never learns self control who grows up to be violent and immoral.
It's today's spankless generation which is coming to be the most vile
ever known.
Proverbs gives a running
theme--a contrast between the wise and foolish son...and there's no
comparison.
1.
The Motive for Discipline.
2.
The Method of Discipline.
There's no getting around
it. God's method begins with
corporal punishment from an early age.
'rod of correction'
Is there an age when
discipline should take other forms?
Sure. And if you do it
right from a young age, it will be largely unnecessary.
Problem is, we substitute other things [time out] at the early age
and then they get bigger and need whipped, and it's too late!
Balance:
I abhor child abuse. God
is against it. And Biblical
discipline is nothing like abuse when done correctly.
The board of education should be applied to the seat of knowledge,
and when done right, it works, and no bones can be broken, no damage can be
done, and yet there's a direct line to the heart when done in love, it
works.
Proverbs 19:18
Chasten thy son while there is
hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying.
This is politically
incorrect, but Biblically correct.
Cultural spanking
theories:
·
Violence theory--teaches that
violence is a learned behavior, and we teach kids violence by spanking them.
They arrived at this theory in a laboratory with white rats.
They shocked them with electricity and noticed they became violent.
Do the same to me and I promise I will too!
Too bad they have no human data to back up their claim.
On the contrary, our prisons are filled with people who were never
loved/disciplined. Also, rats
don't have a soul or a sin nature.
They are personless.
Violence is a heart issue.
·
Non-punishment motivation theory--teaches
that children learn better with positive reinforcement.
Now they put the white rats in a complicated maze, and when they went
one direction they received the reward of a food pellet, and the other way,
a shock. But in which scenario
did the rats learn faster? It
was the reward, not the punishment.
Let's refute this: First
of all, they are animals, whose basest instinct is to eat.
But on the other hand, sinful man is listening to his animal
instincts as well. Now, here's
the unpublished portion of their experiment.
They found the opposite was true when they made one minor
modification. Punishment worked
at teaching rats faster than reward if they turned up the electricity a
little. I could have saved them
a lot of time and money. The
Bible teaches that if the punishment is not more intense than the
temptation, none of us will learn.
If the punishment for rebellion does not exceed the pleasure of
rebellion, then the child is willing to make that exchange any day of the
week!
1.
The Motive for Discipline.
2.
The Method of Discipline.
3.
The Mistakes of Discipline.
There's 2 common ones we
make:
[Even once we have decided
to discipline our kids]
·
The
repeating parent--if your
child will obey after the fourth request, then why not the first?
It's because we've conditioned them that way.
Actually, THEY have trained US!
We coax, threaten, bargain, then we pretend to punish, and then they
finally obey, sort of. We let
things slide...but sadly, it's a slippery slope.
Obedience is not obedience unless it is immediate.
"Consistency" is the most important word in this matter.
Children are gamblers, and if they don't know that punishment is
coming, they will take their chances and play the odds, and take the risk.
They will step over the line, hoping to be able to run back before
they awake the sleeping giant in their parent.
They test their parent's moods...and so now consequences are no
longer tied to their actions, but to what mood their parent is in today.
Our children today are confused about where the lines are drawn.
It seems that all they know is don't do it in the wrong place or at
the wrong time, or then mom or dad will really get mad.
·
The
negotiating parent--has also
been conditioned by the child to arbitrate something to mutual liking.
The Bible says incomplete obedience is disobedience.
Obedience is not obedience, unless it is complete!
In the heat of battle, we accept a compromise, or a stalemate.
Are we really gonna win the war?
ill.--Johnny is told to
look a friend in the eye and tell him he's sorry for hitting him.
He won't, so the parent takes him in another room, disciplines him,
and they go back out. This time
he looks at the floor and says sorry.
He's saying, I'll surrender 50% control, and I'll keep 50% self rule
for myself. If the parent
accepts that compromise, the kid now has that wild card he can play anytime
for the rest of his life [in his mind].
Let's say the parent calls this bluff, takes him back out,
disciplines, and they go back out.
This time he makes eye contact, says sorry, but in a whisper under
his breath. He's saying, will
you accept 90% compliance as payment in full?
Most parents will accept that offer, but if they do, they just lost
100%...and that kid retains his self rule.
This all seems to be about
kids and parenting, but some of us adults have reserved areas of our lives
for self rule, and much of it goes back to mistakes made by our parents in
not removing the foolishness from us.
And you can sing 'I Surrender All', but it's a lie.
What kind of child of God
are you?
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Recommend this sermon to others.
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But many thanks go to those who take a second to advance the gospel
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What Parents Owe Their Children, pt. 3
Ephesians 6:4
Colossians 3:21
Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be
discouraged.
What does it mean to
provoke a child? In a word, it
is the opposite of to discourage them.
You want to break the will, but not the spirit.
You want to remove the foolishness from them, not stir up the
rebellion within them.
“Do not provoke your
children to wrath.”
Don’t thoughtlessly
aggravate them. Don’t unnecessarily goad them. Don’t deliberately exasperate
them. Don’t foolishly discourage them. But express your love to them by
treating them with gentleness, kindness, consideration, and respect. After
all, that’s an essential part of being a good example to them.
And draw lines that are reasonable, and then stick to them.
Paul was not suggesting
that every time a child becomes angry, it is the parent who has sinned.
Obviously, children can and do become angry apart from any sinful
provocation on the parent’s part.
Nor was he excusing
children who get angry, regardless of the circumstances. Children have a
duty to honor their parents and obey them from the heart, even when the
parents are aggravating. But no
one wants to cause their own children to stumble.
The expression, “provoke .
. . to wrath” is one word in the Greek: parorgiz. It applies to every kind
of anger, from silent fuming, to indignant outbursts, to full-fledged
rebellious rage. Children express their wrath in different ways.
Parents provoke their
children to wrath by various means too. I have observed many different ways
parents have done this. Here are just a few examples:
1) Excessive Discipline
Some parents crush their
children with excessive discipline. I have known parents who seemed to think
that if discipline is good for a child, extra discipline must be even
better. They constantly waved the threat of corporal punishment as if they
loved it. No parent should ever be eager to punish. And no punishment should
ever be brutal or bullying. Parents should always administer discipline with
the good of the child in mind, never more than necessary, and always with
love.
2) Inconsistent Discipline
Other parents provoke
their children by inconsistent discipline. If you overlook an infraction
three times and punish the child severely the fourth time, you will confuse
and exasperate your child. Parental discipline must be consistent. That’s
one of the main reasons parenting requires full-time diligence.
3) Unkindness
Some parents provoke their
children with unkindness. I cringe when I hear parents deliberately saying
mean-spirited things to their children. But many parents do, it seems—and to
compound the problem, they often seem to do it in public. [embarrassed by
them?] I’ve overheard parents
saying things to their own children they would never say to anyone else.
That’s a sure way to crush a child’s heart and provoke him to resentment.
4) Favoritism
Another way parents
provoke their kids is by showing favoritism. Isaac favored Esau over Jacob,
and Rebekah preferred Jacob over Esau (Gen. 25:28), and Jep is Kay
Robertson's favorite!
The resentment that Isaac
and Rebekah's favoritism provoked caused a permanent split in the family
(Gen. 27). But Jacob made the same mistake with his own children, showing
such favoritism to his youngest, Joseph, that Joseph’s brothers plotted to
do away with him (Gen. 37). Although God sovereignly brought about much good
from what happened to Joseph (Gen. 50:20), that doesn’t change the fact that
Jacob and his family had to endure much sorrow, heartache, and evil because
of the chain of events that began with Jacob’s favoritism.
5) Overindulgence
Some parents actually goad
their children to exasperation through overindulgence. They are too
permissive. Research from many different sources show that children who are
given too much autonomy feel insecure and unloved. No wonder. Children want
lines drawn and walls built around them.
Scripture says parents who let their children misbehave with no
consequences are actually showing contempt for the child (Prov. 13:24).
Children know that instinctively, and it exasperates them.
6) Overprotection
On the other hand, some
parents frustrate their children by overprotection. They fence them in,
suffocate them, deny them any measure of freedom or trust. That’s a sure way
to provoke a child to frustration. If you make your child never have any
liberty at all--unless he or she rebels, then they will rebel.
"Don't make me go out the window after you fall asleep."
7) Pressure to Achieve
Plenty of parents arouse
their children’s anger through constant pressure to achieve. If you never
praise your kids when they succeed but always drive them to do even better
next time; if you neglect to comfort and encourage them when they fail; or
worst of all, if you force your children to try to fulfill goals you never
accomplished, they will certainly resent it. It’s fine to encourage our
children to excel. In fact, that is a natural and normal part of parenting
(1 Thess. 2:11). But don’t forget to balance your desire to see them realize
their full potential with a little patience and understanding, or you will
provoke the bitterest kind of resentment.
Other ways parents provoke
their children are through neglect, condescension, indifference, detachment,
cruelty, hypocrisy, a lack of fairness, or deliberate humiliation. All of
those things provoke children to exasperation by discouragement.
It's a huge undertaking,
being a parent...and God gives us 1 verse to help us, but there's oh so much
in this verse...enough to chew on daily as long as they are in the house!
-
Recommend this sermon to others.
- Or, do nothing, it's still free!
But many thanks go to those who take a second to advance the gospel
message for God's glory!
Sources
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